ADHD (9): Self worth - Why your achievements feel like other peoples failures.

Self-worth… that’s a very short phrase for something so complex and layered.

I’ve always felt that self-worth is only really measurable by you. That’s why Red Dwarf’s Inquisitor judged you by being you. ADHD people can achieve a lot in a day, but why does it still feel like it’s never enough?

Ask yourself this: do you measure your self-worth by how good you are at doing the washing? I don’t. I measure it in the truest sense of the word:

Do you feel worthy of being alive?

Why ADHD Hits Self-Worth So Hard

Humans naturally focus on the negative, but ADHD seems to take that to the extreme. We judge ourselves more harshly because negative outcomes give us stronger stimulation, and our brains latch onto them.

Another major contributor is that old line a lot of us heard growing up:

“If only you’d try harder!”

If you were schooled in the 70s or 80s, chances are you heard that over and over again. It starts in childhood and it follows you right through into adulthood. Even now, it can still echo in your head like an old soundtrack you never asked for.

Why We Don’t Feel Our Wins

Another problem is that we don’t celebrate success properly.

I started journalling with one simple prompt: “What good thing did I do today?” At first I found it hard to come up with anything, and when I did, it all seemed mundane.

Then I spoke to my mentor and he said, “That’s great.”

That’s the difference. Normal people reward themselves for doing the washing up. We punish ourselves for not doing it fast enough, well enough, or early enough.

The Reward System Problem

Our reward system is broken.

We measure ourselves by systems built for neurotypical people, so it’s no wonder we often feel like failures. Our dopamine hit comes from the chase and the start, not the completion. That means finishing something often feels like an anti-climax.

Learn to reward yourself. It can be a choccie bar, a drink, anything you genuinely enjoy. Don’t instantly rush into the next thing. Finish one thing, give yourself credit, then move on.

How It Looks From the Outside

From the outside, neurotypical people often see us as confident, funny, capable people who get things done. We might drive nice cars, have good hobbies, and full social lives.

Inside, we often see the truth: chaos, luck, near misses, and constant effort.

But what looks like luck usually isn’t luck at all. It’s perseverance. We’ve tried so many times that eventually we get it right. We’ve made so many mistakes that eventually something works.

If you took on a project and completed it, then you won. You did a good job, no matter how messy the route was.

As Rimmer once said in Red Dwarf:

“I spent the night at a beautiful woman’s apartment. How did you get there, bike or bus? It doesn’t matter!”

Crude point, but a fair one: reward based on results.

Why Failures Stick and Wins Don’t

Negative memories seem to stick more easily than positive ones. You can see it in how people talk. If someone has good news and bad news, they almost always give the bad first.

Your wins fade into the background, while your failures keep turning up for another round.

That’s where self-worth leaks away — through repetition. A thousand little reminders of what went wrong.

When those thoughts come back for round 14,325, shut them down. Move. Do something physical. Break the loop before it drags you under again.

How to Avoid Depreciating Your Self-Worth

Here are a few practical things that help:

Journal – track your wins daily.
Celebrate small tasks – if doing the washing up is hard for you, then doing it is worth celebrating.
Remember that good enough is good enough – stop chasing perfection.
Build an identity outside productivity – you are more than your output.
Talk kindly to yourself – harshness may feel familiar, but it isn’t always helpful.
Slow down enough to feel success – don’t rush straight into the next job.

Final Thought

Your self-worth needs encouragement and nurturing, not slapping into line.

You are not broken. You are wired differently.

At this point in the UK, ADHD affects roughly 4 in 100 people. That makes you different, yes — but it also makes you far from alone.

And remember this: achievement is not the problem. You probably achieve more than most people realise, especially given what your brain puts in your way. The real issue is how you interpret your achievements.

That part can change.